I was tootling about the internet, as you do, when I came across a blog. It was quite interesting, but after every entry was a couple of paragraphs about seeing the author on some cam site.

Now call me naive, but I was thinking it was going to be a facebook or myspace but with webcams.

Silly fraggle!

Needless to say it wasn’t.

It was one of those webcam for pay sites. You get to talk to the “models” in chat rooms, and then take them into a private session where they will do your every bidding, which appears to require total nudity and sex toys…

Nice to see humanity is progressing isn’t it?

But I digress.

First thing that hits me about the place was the number of people trolling (and I do mean trolling!) about the place. Never in my life have I had the misfortune to see such a bunch of degenerate misfits!

How nobody has ever snapped, gone off-line and hunted them down is beyond me. I’d have thought it was a pretty simple idea, you flirt with the model of your choosing, then you have to cough up the cash to go any further… It’s not exactly rocket science, now is it?

And I checked out both the guys and girls on this site, and both got the same calibre of clientèle, the girls got:

• Show me your boobs
• Take of your bra
• Touch yourself
• take of your knickers

And every variation of the above, but in more colourful and graphic terms, while the guys got:

• Show me your penis
• Make yourself hard
• Pop your pecs (not entirely sure but I think they meant bounce em up and down)
• Pop your nipples (I don’t even want to know what that one’s supposed to mean)

And both sexes got the “are you shaved”, “gay, straight, bi” and “Do you want to have sex with me” questions.

It’s no wonder most of them look so bored having to listen to that for hours at a time, not to mention how none of the idiots are able to take a hint, they ask, they ask in CAPS LOCK, after about 10 seconds they’re furiously barking out orders like some kind of Drill Sergeant and then they throw a hissy fit because the model isn’t obeying, so obviously doesn’t appreciate the viewer so it’s no wonder they’re not getting any private sessions…

Either that or they sprout something along the lines of “I love you, you’re so hot, you’re so kind, I want to have sex with you here and now…

Now can I see your…”

Umm, they’re trying to earn money, they’re not a performing monkey!

And I have to laugh at the number of people who try it on with the “If you show me your penis/breast, and start touching yourself I’ll take you into private for 30 minutes…” Umm, yeah, right… Like they haven’t heard that one at least 12 times in the 5 minutes I’ve been sat there.

I’m a bit bemused by the whole thing actually (no shock there then). There were one or two good looking guys and girls on the site, but so many of them looked like they fell out of the ugly tree, and didn’t so much hit every branch on the way down as were clubbed repeatedly with said branches at every opportunity!

Don’t get me wrong, looks aren’t everything, but in that kind of industry, it’s all about looks I’d have thought.

Maybe it’s me but the boys mostly looked like they were about 12, and the girls… Well they fell into two categories, there were the ones that looked like slightly past their best cross dressers, and the others who looked like 40 year old cheap hookers, and they’ve all had some pretty hard paper rounds, as they say.

People are expected to actually want to pay to watch people looking like that perform obscene acts alone in a room with a webcam and waterproof keyboard?

Then there’s the price… $6 per minute! Who can even afford it, even if they are that sad, desperate or perverted? I worked it out, that means for my entire weeks money, I’d be able to afford 29 minutes of viewing… That’s just silly!

The “models” (don’t you just love how they call them that, not that I’m quite sure what you actually should call them to be fair) also get bonuses depending how long people spend in payed shows. They get $10for each person who spends 3 hours in a paid session.

Now by my maths, that means the person has spent $1078.20, and the model receives an extra $10. Not the best of bonus plans, not to mention how often is anyone going to spend that on a webcam show? Heck, that’s $359 an hour, they could hire a high class escort for that, and there’d be a lot more “interaction”…

There’s also the models to consider… Several of them appear to be students, who are presumably trying to earn money to put themselves through college or university. Yet you do have to wonder what impact this particular carer move is going to have on their long term goals. I saw a couple of people studying to become journalists or work in media. Am I alone in thinking a background in the sex industry immortalised on the internet for all to find is going to be quite the problem if they want to be taken seriously?

Mind you, after gawping at the site off and on for the past 3 days, I’m not feeling any strange urges, but I am feeling more than a little evil

I have a sudden desire to be wealthy, just so I could torment one of their models! Some of them take it all so seriously.

Would it be so wrong?

It would probably have to be one of the guys, the girls seem to take it all with a pinch of salt, but the guys appear to get very worked up over it all, making them so much more fun to torment.

Now I’m sure most of you know what I’m like when I’m feeling evil (surely you remember the tampon conversation with the poor girl at the checkout a couple of years ago )

So I’d imagine it would go something along the lines of waiting until they were getting more than a little frustrated and then taking them into private. Then, naturally I’d have to do everything in my power to put them off completely…

Naturally there would be lots of random questions to put them off the task at hand.

All those strange things people to to get their babies to eat could probably be nicely adapted, should be nice and disturbing…

Aeroplane noises and the train in the tunnel… Yep I’d imagine that would throw off their game just a bit

And just to finish off, as they’re about to… well, you know…

“So, how’s you’re mother/grandmother doing these days…?”

Or if I were going to be truly vicious… A question about a parent/grandparent in their negligée/underwear… that should nicely ruin it for them

Clearly a little more thought would be required, but I’m sure I could ruin their day, and probably their whole week without too much more required

Well… Ummm….

I’m not, short of growing an extra two arms to hold all the bits together, I can’t use it.

That’s not to say I don’t have a thing for vacuums, because I do…

Ok, yes, yes, I might even go so far as to say I have a vacuum fetish.

I like my electronic gadgets, but then so do a lot of people.

Computer gadgets I can spend hours looking around for then buying. I already have more flash drives, digital cameras and webcams (all working) than anybody I know, and don’t get me started on how many mouses and keyboards I have floating around the place.

Normal electronic gadgets, I can get in half the time it takes for computer gadget shopping… Everything except vacuums and cellphones that is.

I also have more of them than anyone else I know, and could still happily buy more.

I’m sure it’s something lacking.

Cellphones I can understand, kind of, I get sick of them, or they’ll bring out a better design, or a handset with a feature I’ve been trying to find.

But vacuums?

I like nothing more than unwrapping a nice new vacuum and putting it through it’s paces.

The new one is due on Wednesday, and I’m champing at the bit to get my mits on it already.

I’m still trying to figure out if that’s sad, frightening or just plain creepy…

Guess I’ll have to get back to you all with that one

That makes me irritable, paranoid and cranky.

I’m also feeling a tad voyeuristic today… I want to see peoples photos… Male, female, animal, vegetable, clothed or unclothed… I just want to peer at em… I like looking at peoples photos, to see how they light them, pose, etc.. But I want to see more today…

Maybe now would be a good time for therapy…

I’m all excited… I should be getting the drafts of my new logo today… And yes, I know it’s a sad little life and I need to get out more… Tell me something I don’t know :-p

Anyway, to the dream…

I was on holiday in America, seemed to be California and I’d stumbled on a karaoke club…

(Surprised the dream went any further and didn’t involve them having to drag me off stage and prize the mic out of my cold, dead fingers)

Anyway, after I came off stage (without any of the aforementioned incidents) I got chatting to a group at the bar, who turned out to be from a film studio. (Well naturally, where else would they be from? :-p)

They wanted me to go in for a casting audition the next day for a romantic comedy they were about to start filming… (Yes you probably should start to worry about now)

I went to the casting the next day, and was asked back again the following day, when it turned out they had 2 parts still open and they were debating between myself and Jensen Ackles (I blame the fact I’d been watching Supernatural that night for the casting in this dream!).

One part was the romantic lead, the other was the gay best friend of the lead girl. FOr some strange reason they couldn’t decide which of us would be best in which role…

Told you that you should worry :-))

They couldn’t decide which way to cast, and asked the two of us what we thought. Jensen thought he should get the lead, because the girl was quite tall, and if I stood next to her, I’d look like a dwarf… (Wasn’t that kind of him? :-D)

Not that he was wrong mind you… But that’s hardly the point.

I then said that I also thought they should give the romantic lead to him… After all, look at the two of us…

Him you look at and say “Hunky, attractive, nice body, take me now, let me rip of your clothes fling you over the kitchen table and have your children…”

Me on the other hand, you look at, squint a bit and say “Well I’m sure he has a great sense of humour…”

Once it was pointed out to them, they decided we were right, cast him as the lead and love interest, me as the girls gay best friend… And for some reason had me dressed up as a goblin or troll for the entire film… (Still trying to figure that one out…)

I’m sure it all means something deep, meaningful and profound…

But all I can say is, I’m amazed I don’t need a lot more therapy than I’ve had =))

Oh and performing the “spot test” does not mean that’s the colour you’re going to end up.

Can I go die now?

It all started off innocent enough.

We saw QVC a couple of months ago and they were demonstrating this spray tan, a liquid that you spray on and rather than colouring the skin, it seemed to force the skin to produce melanin as if you had been sitting in the sun… Or at least that was the way it came across.

The idea being that you wouldn’t go funny colours, the tan wouldn’t look fake, in fact you would just have an even, natural golden tan.

:nope:

We decided to get some, mostly because I was sick of looking like an anaemic slug in the throws of decomposition. (I’ve found you start to look quite grey and unhealthy after 6-8 weeks indoors.

So it was one of those “seemed like a good idea at the time” purchases. A clear spray that wouldn’t stain your clothes or the bedding, would give you a healthy colour that would start subtle and could be built up to a stronger, deeper tan with several uses, then maintained by using once every few days.

Sounds perfect doesn’t it?

We’ve had it sitting around for a couple of months, and I hadn’t had the energy to try it, but I decided to have a go yesterday.

First off, the ever important spot test.

I’m chose my forearm, since I thought it’s sensitive enough that any kind of reaction will occur there, so if it works there it’ll work anywhere…

I’m not sure I would have called it a spot test though… It was more like a 6″ by 4″ patch, which after 2 hours still hadn’t changed colour.

I was quite disappointed.

But after 4 hours, it was looking a nice light tanned shade. Not enough to be an obvious tan, but enough to add some colour.

Just what I was wanting… A little hint of colour without looking like I’d just spent 3 days baking in a sunbed.

So last night, with a happy patch test under my belt, I decided to do my face and arms.

:-((

Which was where it all seems to have gone horribly wrong.

I sprayed it on, then stood in the bathroom for about 20 minutes flapping my arms as though I was trying to achieve take-off, trying to get it to dry faster (and keep warm, it was a chilly night!)

Eventually it dried so I got dressed and tootled off to bed to watch the television for a couple of hours.

Then when I actually came to go to bed I noticed a change in colour.

Now, when they said an even, golden tan… Somehow nothing in that would suggest the inclusion of the colour yellow into the equation…

But my hands were a funny colour, my arms were still white and my face had a rather unhealthy jaundiced look.

I was pretty sure that a spray bottle couldn’t shut my liver down in the space of two hours, but looking at the skin colour of my face I wasn’t so sure…

So I went to bed and hoped that it was just what happens when it first starts to colour, and that it would be a light shade of tan by the morning, like the patch on my arm still was.

Can I die now… Or did I ask that already…?

I got up this morning and the first thing I noticed was my hands… If it wasn’t for the fact that my throat hadn’t woken up, I think the shriek that was attempting to be heard would have shattered windows and been heard by half the village.

That is not a normal colour by any stretch of the imagination!

Then I went into the bathroom and saw my face…

My first reaction….

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Followed by a desire to burst out laughing and start crying at the same time.

Then, wouldn’t you know it, the doorbell rings…

The postman with a parcel, so I had to get the door.

That was when it was confirmed, it wasn’t just me imagining the colour was all wrong… I opened the door, the postman looked up…

And…

And…

He…

He smirked!

:dontgothere:

Then he went to his van to get the parcel and I’m certain I heard giggling coming from the van.

If I hadn’t been busy trying to find my name on the clipboard to sign I might have thought to ask him what the problem was…

Had he never seen an Oompa Loompa answer the door before?

Yep, you guessed it, (although you might have had an inkling from the entry title) I am currently a very attractive shade of orange, with orange hands and yellowish arms.

:sigh: The patch test I did appears to have faded overnight, since it now blends in with the overall yellow tint they have, rather then the lightly tanned look it had yesterday. The only good thing is that it makes my teeth look lovely and pearly white

I thought about blaming it on Fruitsy and writing about it in my other journal, but I decided the whole thing was stupid enough not to need a fake setting… :-((

And the moral of the tale…?

Never try a new fake tan of any kind, no matter how natural it’s supposed to look, if you have to bee seen by another living creature before it will have faded.

Also never trust the patch/spot test results, since they are designed to lull you into a false sense of security.

And finally… Be prepared for a fake tan that should fade in a couple of days to last for less than one day if it looks nice, whereas if you look like a short Oompa Loompa, you just know it’s going to last for weeks!

Can I go die now, or do you need to see a picture first…?

Typical…

I just knew you were going ot say that…

I don’t suppose you’d settle for a photo of my hand would you…?

Didn’t think so. I should warn you though, it’s not for the faint hearted…

That and it actually looks more orange in the flesh, but the light in the bathroom makes it look a little less so…

I would also like to point out that I don’t look my best in the mornings anyway… So ignore how unattractive I look in the photo… Just concentrate on the lovely orange glow I’ve developed overnight :-((

It has to be said, many of them are warped, depraved, or just generally deviant… yet still hysterically funny…

I’m not sure whether that says something about them, all me…

I have to say I currently have 4 mobile phones and have owned a further 2. My first one developed a problem with two of the buttons, so I couldn’t dial numbers needing a 3 or a 7, but it still worked. One of my current phones has developed a problem with the microphone… It’s stopped working :direction:

Since they were both cheap pay-as-you-go phones, it proves that you really do get what you pay for!

But I’ve never broken a phone, or lost one. Which after reading these I’m quite proud of

This list and the comments were not written by me. If you want to see the full article you can read it here

These are the top ten ways people have broken their phones:

1. Dropping the phone.

2. Putting the phone in a tight jeans pocket and sitting down, snapping it in half.

3. Used the handset in the rain (c’mon, how hard was it raining?)

4. Threw the device on the ground in a rage (been there–I’m a Treo owner)

5. he dog/child got hold of the mobile (feed it/him or her!)

6. Dropped the cell phone in the toilet (eew, leave it)

7. Dropped the handset into the sea (a friend of mine did that once, he was drunk and in a rage)

8. Forgot the cell phone on the roof of the car (the same friend mentioned above did that several times)

9. Got perspiration on the mobile during workout (see No. 6 above)

10. Dropped the handset in the snow (that’s a Finland thing–they’re tops in cell phone ownership and snow)

So… How have you broken your phone? Or are you a careful phone owner like me?

I’ve decided to get back into the working life…

Given my inability to leave the house, and the dramatic increase in both home working and Internet business, I’ve decided to set myself up in the industry to which I am most suited.

Yep, that’s right…

I’m going to become an internet Au Pair

Let’s face it… how hard can it be?

I’m available 24 hours a day (who sleeps anymore anyhow?)

The parents can turn on the TV and plonk the kids in front of the computer before they go out, and we’re all set!

I can give the mother online directions on how to bath, change and microwave their children.

I can dress up in my Miss Piggy costume, passion pink catsuit and corset with matching lace trim and threaten to spank him if he’s been bad. :spank:

I can even flash my cleavage at him and show him my bare behind on webcam if he has sadomasochistic tendencies.

All that for an obscene amount of money and from the comfort of my own bedroom.

See? It’s just perfect for me!

Wadda ya mean “Have I had my medication today?” Huh? :dontgothere:

Making fun of myself After all, why should other people get to have all the fun? :-p

I did promise to explain about the sleeping arrangements the other week, but I wanted to wait until after the tribunal hearing about my disability benefit… I don’t suppose it really matters, but they seem to think if you aren’t in a suicidal heap and have any shred of humour left in you that you just have to be faking it.

Unfortunately my sense of humour is the only thing that has kept me sane for the past 7 years, and I guess I must not have been suicidal enough for them, since they decided that my health doesn’t adversely impact on my life, so I’m not disabled… Oh yay, I’m so happy that my life isn’t affected by my health… (please mind your step on pools of dripping sarcasm!)

I’m still waiting to hear exactly how they decided that spending my life trapped in the house, regularly falling down and being unable to do anything counts as not adversely affecting my life, but I’ve no doubt that it will have been decided on something substantial… Like that fact that after an hour of interrogation I couldn’t remember what date I finished work 5 years ago! :rollseyes:

But enough of that… I’m not going to taint my sleeping arrangements with such annoying things… So I’ll leave you with this image…

I have short hair.

Very fine, very straight, short hair…

I get it cut every 8 weeks, and if I don’t it becomes completely unmanageable.

I haven’t been able to leave the house to get it cut since June…

By the end of September it got so long I thought about trying to braid it to keep it out of my eyes, off my neck and stop it tickling my ears…

Unfortunately it was too tiring trying to braid it, so I had to give up…

I’m currently having to use the clip-its to keep it out of my eyes and ears and off my neck…

I’m not talking slinky, feminine hair accessories either…

I’m talking fat, chunky clips that you close cereal packets with and stop your frozen peas from escaping in the freezer… Those kind of clip-its!

:-((

But at least my health doesn’t interfere with any aspect of my life

:sigh: You can picture it can’t you?

I had the choice of yellow, green, pink, purple or blue clip-its.

Naturally, I was going to be awkward and pick the pink and purple, just to annoy everyone…

But after much pleading, I eventually agreed to go for the green and blue.

:rollseyes: Why is it I just know you’re all sitting there dying to ask me to take a photo…

Well you needn’t bother!

I did it already

But then since you all know I have no shame, you probably suspected as much didn’t you? :-p

I was watching “Troy” at the time… Given my hair, bad skin and the fact that I’m currently suffering from water retention… I don’t think I’m likely to get a part in the sequel… Do you?

Well there you go anyway, just click the image for th full size thing

Enjoy… =))

Ok, so writing up the wedding entry is taking rather longer than I expected… I hadn’t realised how many extra guests there were to try and weave in.

In the mean time… If I parcel my genitals into a small paper bag… Can I be a woman… Please? :flirt:

I’m rather anti men at the moment… Not in a warped twisted way you understand… More in a “I’d rather not even be associated with the species let alone the gender” kind of way.

But then… I guess my dear friend Martha can probably explain it better than I can…

Good Eeeeeeevening ladies! So glad you could all make it tonight.

I’d like to talk about a subject close to my heart… Men!

Yes Ethel I know they’re close to your heart too… Although I don’t think it’s your heart they’re after!

As much as it pains me to say it… I have to admit men are a total mystery to me… Although I would really rather prefer it if you didn’t tell any of them that…

But there are just so many of these little things that only men do… And only men seem to be able to understand the reasons why…

No Ethel I am not talking about DIY.

I’m talking about those strange little things that they all seem to do that have no purpose and make no sense to the rest of us…

Things like the way they can spend 4 hours trying to find a screw, but refuse to spend 5 minutes to just go to the store and buy some more…

I have come to the conclusion that it’s a genetic flaw… Men didn’t evolve from apes… And lets face it, you look at some of them and evolve isn’t a word that really springs to mind, no is it ladies?

No I’ve come to the conclusion that they’ve evolved from an inanimate object such as a stone or a lump of clay… And lets be honest here, some of them don’t manage to move any further either! Just as far as the couch and the ability to press the button on the remote once every 6 hours!

Actually they’re a lot like children as well… You have to feed them, tell them when their clothes are dirty and need changing, tell them when to go and get washed because they are starting to smell, then you just pop them in front of the tv while you go and get on with something productive, and lo and behold, just like children they’re still sitting there where you left them with their mouths hanging open in awe of the box with small people inside it. :rollseyes:

I also find it endlessly annoying their view on “productivity”… Don’t you ladies?

You all know what I’m talking about…

Give them a car engine, or some other dirty, greasy monstrosity and they will spend hours “tuning” it (also known as playing with it). Tell them that the exhaust sounds funny and they’ll be straight under the car in less than sixty seconds and they’ll be there for a couple of days until they find the problem (always handy when you’re expecting guests and you don’t want to be shown up when your friends discover he’s still not house trained!)… Yet ask him to put something away, ask him to take out the trash… It’ll sit there until even the local rodent population get sick of smelling it and then they offer to take it out for you!

Give him an engine manual and an old car engine, he’ll sit and read the manual from cover to cover until he can manage to dismantle the engine… Give him the instructions and ask him to use the washing machine… He’ll either burst into tears on the spot whilst whimpering about how he couldn’t possibly because it’s too technical, he’ll only get it wrong, and how whites and colours all look the same to him…

I swear, give him an AK-47 and ask him to fieldstrip it, he’ll sit there until he figures it out, by heck will he! Ask him to actually put the dishes in the dishwasher, instead of leaving them in the sink, and he’ll just look at you blankly like you’re talking a foreign language!

And have you also noticed, the second you get married, what’s his is still his, but what’s yours becomes communal? You want to decorate, he wants the cheapest wallpaper known to man… now what’s it called… Oh yes… Brown paper! But after three months of insisting on something slightly more upmarket, and suddenly whenever anyone asks about it, it was all his idea!

Does anyone else have the Jekyll and Hyde wedding ceremony too? Before you get married, you go on dates that you both like… Or you may find a suitor who actually does things that you want! Yes, gasp you might!

Then you have the wedding ceremony… And from that moment on, if it’s something he wants to do nothing is a problem… If it’s something you want to do it’s an 8 week war to try and get it…

And the adjusting… Oh the adjusting! In public, in private… all those furtive glances, followed by a quick rummage, push, pull, twist and other general re-adjustment of the genitals… I ask you, can you imagine the uproar if we were fiddling with our breasts as often as that? Honestly, I just can’t see why they can’t put them where they want them and then leave them there! We have to! And if they aren’t going to stay there on their own, we just get a bra that’s two sizes too small or a roll of duct tape! If we can do it… So can they!

Of course that’s the other thing with men… You suddenly lose all your privacy. You leave an open envelope on the counter, next thing you know they’re pawing through the contents reading it, using the excuse that if it was private you shouldn’t leave it in a public area… Of course since they think everywhere is a public area except your underwear drawer… There’s only so much you can fit in there, and even then it’s only a private drawer if you refuse to wear any item of underwear that involves thongs, lace, vinyl or latex rubber… If it does then even that drawer is no longer considered private.

Yet their idea of private is as creative as hiding their stash of porn under the mattress, and we’re supposed to pretend that we just don’t notice it every time we change the bed… But then being men, why would they realize that you turn the mattress when you make the bed, and to do that you actually have to move it…

Now… Could someone remind me exactly why we want these miserly, bone-idle, dim-witted snoops around the house… It might have been so they could do the heavy lifting and DIY jobs once upon a time, but since, if we want them done we have to do it ourselves, we don’t really have that excuse any more… Any ideas?

Well yes Ethel it could be the sex… But then why you have a washing machine with an 1800-watt spin cycle, and access to a rolling pin… Why would we want to lie on the bed with some large, sweaty grunting walrus again…?

You see my problem… I’m just not seeing a purpose for them any more… It would be so much easier to just send them to some large island so they can sit around al day and inbreed… Oh wait… They tried that didn’t then?

That would be the purpose of Australia… =))