and it’s burst our bubble…

I was having a conversation about the ratings earlier today… No I would always have said that my rating doesn’t bother me, it certainly never used to, but now I get quite put out if someone rates me less than an 8…

*cries*

I’m shallow *wails*

Anyway, the conversation moved along to the number of people on ratings sites who are there for sexual reasons. They’re either wanting to look at nude galleries, wanting to cam, or wanting to get a date… (Ohh, lets join a photo rating site, free porn, free live sex shows and, they hope, the possibility of sex with another person…)

*sigh*

How do I get myself into these things?

I went from happily practicing my naked fraggle pole dancing, now all of a sudden I’m the anti-pimp…

So I find myself in a rather awkward position… a certain someone *cough*battlescared24*cough* will hunt me down if I don’t do this, and *looks at entry notes* will probably hunt me down if I do…

But if I do, it’ll be so much more fun
Sorry Landon, but you did ask for this… *grins evilly* Ok, so maybe not this exactly… *giggles*

Now as any longer term readers will know, battlescared24 has cropped up in this journal before (don’t worry, the missile he sent after me missed, I’m fine, but the neighbours cat still hasn’t recovered from the trauma…)

You’ll recall his love of bonnets:

and you may know how much he likes to play with his toys whilst wearing said bonnet…

Now the problem is this… He’s feeling unloved and unwanted, being stuck over in the middle of nowhere for so long.

Now the thing is this all sounds quite simple and straightforward… But it isn’t.

More people are looking at his gallery than his journal, and it’s starting to affect his photo rating which has upset him immensely. After all, he’s feeling unloved enough being stuck in a muddy hole anyway. Just look what they are reduced to over there… But be warned, if you are of a sensitive disposition, look away now, you really don’t want to see what these soldiers get up to to pass the time…

Yes, that’s right, he’s a fully paid up member of the USSOC (Oh United States Soldiers Orgy Club for those that didn’t know…)

He got quite upset when I pointed out that obviously so many of the girls visiting his profile were more interested in his body than his mind, and couldn’t understand why…

Reluctantly I agreed to show people why they should be more interested in him for his mind than his body…

So here we go…

As you can see whilst he likes to play, Landon also has a more serious side (not sure where he got that hat from though!)

He also has no dress sense (and just look at the state of those legs, no wonder he wears full length skirts!)

Now I know what you’re thinking… How could someone like that ever be worried about what people thought of them?

Well you’d be amazed… Really you would, I mean, it’s enough to get to anyone after a while, the dust, the dirt, the mud, it gets everywhere, and it’s so difficult to look you best for all those Big strapping men you have to boss around every day… The daily battle to look his best before going about the daily routine… If you know the amount of effort involved… Well it’d just break your heart.

But being the tough guy he is, he makes it look so easy and effortless…

See ladies? How could you not love a man who wears a towel that well…

*cough*

Anyway…

Moving swiftly on…

People also need to realise how good he is at his job, being in charge of so many people, he always needs to be calm, collected and ready for any challenge… Of course that would be after he’s got over his coffee addiction which can make him a little, umm, wired…

I also felt it my duty to point out that only a highly intelligent, witty and articulate person would select this particular style of dental accessory…

But since he still has all his own teeth, he must be doing something right!

Oh and he felt it was important to remove the false sexy image people have built up around him… So he wanted me to mention the fact that he’s actually only hung like a smurf (and no I don’t think we’re talking colour…) the vibrating blow-up doll was nothing more than a rumour, and he never uses tongue on a first date…

So ladies and gentlemen (he’s not fussy, you’re after his mind after all…!) would you all be so kind as to run along to battlescared24’s profile and tell him how much you like his mind… Oh and tell him that this:

Should be his new profile picture…!

And remember, how can you not love a face like that, which just oozes intelligence at any given moment…?

I hope you all appreciate this!

I now know far more about sex toys than I ever wanted to!

Anyway, A while ago I had planned to make a list of everyone on my favourites list and why each of them was there.

But I found about half of the list easy to do, then the other half I either didn’t have a specific reason that I could put my finger on, or it was the same reason other people were there, so I gave up after a couple of hours of thinking.

Well, after talking to kimboly I came up with an idea…

I then roped slurpie in to help as well and came up with the following.

Instead of why I put you on my favourites, this is a list of what sex toy reminds me of you.

Now before anyone gets all offended, there is a reason for just about every choice. There is the odd one that doesn’t have a specific reason, other than that person was the first face that came to mind when I saw the item.

So without further ado… Here is the list.

Oh and please remember, these pages are on shopping sites for items of an intimate nature, so I hold no responsibility for anything else that might be seen on those pages.

So enjoy the journey of discovery, and learn what strange sex item made me think of you
(oh and for the hopless amongst you… click the name and any extra blue underlined bits for the item *rolls eyes* I’ll be having to hold hands and walking them through it next!)

adamb and for those job interviews… this
aeh1978
battlescared24 but then for some reason, so did this (I would also like to point out it was not my idea to post both of these!)
blulady
charlie20
darkangel9788
deadcase or as he’s so annoyed with himself, maybe it should be this…
dinkykitty
DramaQueen
dwd
Faceless_Kitten
feckwit_theclown
FireWithlnMe
halfman
hippichicki
kallyfer
kimboly and this
kisschase
Pastor_of_Muppets
phoenix1479
rayt
RedNightHawk
roomswithsub
RooRaaah
Si-1977
skippy
skoobs
slurpie and of course this
sweetstuffbunni
sweettas
Teak
TheMyT and it may not be a pot noodle… but it’s the next best thing
tigerlilly878
Trillian

Can I point out that kimboly
is running a photo competition in her journal.

So is adamb

Last I heard Kim had 5 entrants, but Adam only has 2.

Come on people, TWO ENTRIES? That’s pathetic, is that the best you lot can do?

Go visit both of them and add some entries.

The competitions are fun, but the tend to be pretty boring if nobody enters!

No go and get your cameras out and send in some entries, or there’ll be trouble!

I might even stop writing journal entries!

*glowers at the croud in the back*

Stop partying! That’s supposed to be a threat!

Umm… Why are you all still here reading this and not at their journals taking photos?

No, not me this time (makes a change eh?)

Here I am, still sitting here laughing at Uncle Buck on the TV and laughing even harder as I torment battlescared24.

*sigh*

It really is the simple things in life isn’t it?

There is nothing more entertaining than annoying the life out of someone.

*grins*

Especially when you dangle a carrot in front of them, and then refuse to divulge the names of the sources

*giggles evilly*

Anyway go ahead and send him some love.

They’re all being shifted to a new base of operations, so the computer system is going down tomorrow, and won’t be back up for anything from a couple of days to a couple of months.

I feel it is our duty as members of this community to let the troops know that we are thinking of them while they are not able to log into the site.

*grins evilly*

Any guesses where this is heading yet?

No?

I’ll give you a clue…

(can you tell I think this picture is great? *giggles*)

Well…

Yes, you’ve guessed it…

That picture just about sums up the conversations I’ve subjected the poor guy to over the past couple of days (I’ve been having a Muppet phase, leave me alone and live with it!)

Well anyway, as you can imagine, not being one to only pull my own dignity apart, I had to have some fun at battlescared24’s expense.

Well the conversations led to a couple of journal comments that got one or two other people involved (and no I’m still not telling you who, I have to protect the innocent after all…)

Originally I thought a pink floral dress, but another member (nameless to keep them alive) thought a peach strapless number with white stiletto was the way to go so…

(Thanks to slurpie for photoshopping the picture for me)

Fetching isn’t it?

*sniggers*

I am so dead for this…

*joins witness protection program and vanishes into the legal system*

He’ll never be able to track anything that’s in a government system! *giggles*

So, to show him and his team that we are thinking of them, I propose that all readers send him any nice floral dresses you’re finished with (and I know this will apply to both the girls and the guys!), and any camouflage catsuits you happen upon, after all there’s the rest of his platoon to think about…

Don’t want them to feel left out, now do we?

*sniggers*

No, I was just kidding (unless you’re feeling really evil and want to do that, in which case, remember to sign it as “Bubba”)

*falls about laughing*

Well, if I’m going to get killed, I might as well go out in style!

Seriously, I think it should be every persons goal to photoshop his face onto a suitable outfit and email it to him, so he and the rest of the squad know we are thinking about them. It would also be nice if you did the same with your own photo so they know who to thank…

Don’t forget to post the images here, so we can save on imagination and keep up with the fun!

Oh and I’m sure he would appreciate photos of said dresses and catsuits, just remember to Photoshop them, saves on imagination for the rest of us…

*rubs hands together and giggles evilly*

And remember, Pinks, florals and catsuits are their favourites…

So show a soldier you care…

Well I have to say one thing for the new swydm site layout…

It has got me looking at the latest journals more, and reading a few that I have never seen before, which is good.

As any regular readers will know, I very rarely do journal pimping, but I decided it was time I did another one.

Obviously I think everyone on my favourites list is worth reading (that’s one of the reasons I will always leave my favourites list visible)

But I have found myself reading two relatively new journals (well they’re new to me at least), which I think deserve more readers.

First victim, erm pimpee
battlescared24

A journal direct from a member of the Armed Forces based in Iraq. We hear plenty about the situations over there, but it’s interesting to get an eyewitness account.

Second pimpee, an English guy this time:

TheMyT

This is the journal of a young man trying to make it in the music industry. It makes for interesting reading, and, having listened to one of his songs (Whatcha Wanna Do?) twice, I am already sitting here humming it as I type (and that is always a sign of a hit record track!)

Well, I’m now all pimped out, so what are you still doing here? Go read them!

It’s pimping time.

(Oh please be aware, I’m in one of my strange moods again)

As anyone who visits here often will know, I don’t pimp. The main reason I don’t use those side thingies (you know, insert journal link here things) is that there are so few spaces.

Anyway on to the pimp.

I’m pimping this guy:

I noticed in his comments box that he wants to get more votes, so I thought a quick pimp was in order.

*adopts auctioneer?s voice*

As you can see ladies, he’s a hot looking specimen (given the water temperature, I’m not surprised he felt so hot) who comes with all his own teeth and hair and can easily reach those top shelves for you. He is very sporty, so you will be able to get plenty of work out of him before he collapses from exhaustion. We’ll start the bidding at $100…

I wasn’t going to add this, but I had so much fun writing it I thought that I just had to. this was a message addressing his (and anyone else?s) worries about what a person needs to change to get better ratings. I’ve included the initial comment:

“This is a comment to all the people who visit my site. If you visit my site PLEASE rate me. If you decide to down rate me. Tell me why. I would like to know how I can better myself. An honest rating is all I would like though…. Thanks!”

*consumer warning*
The author of this message is a warped and twisted individual who has had too much sleep and not enough sugars. Take all advice with a pinch of salt. Since salt is bad for you, please seek medical opinion prior to following this advice.
Also note. The author accepts no responsibility for his actions, either direct or implied doe to his current levels of medication (and the fact that he has been palming his tablets)
Please also be aware that at the time of writing the author was in a very strange mood.

Have a nice day…

Well you see to get ahead in this place; you need to put in a lot more work. Holidays are not allowed!
First off, you need to spend at least 25 hours per day in the forums, yes you can do other things at the same time, but you have to be sat at your computer for the duration (three 5 minute toilet or food breaks per day is allowed)
Next whilst in the forums, you have to rate every picture on the site (male and female. All karma is good karma) and make regular journal entries (6 per day is a good starting number, working up to about 12 once you are settled in.)

Next (and this involves more effort money) plastic surgery to make you look different to the same as everyone else (the smurf look is very popular around here as another option) this will need to be followed by spinal and limb reduction, 6′4 is just too tall!

Then obviously there are the photos; galleries need to be filled with as many photos as it will hold (so premier membership is a must). These can be a choice of two things, either nudes (which will attract half of the site no matter what you look like, but will turn away the other half of the site, again no matter what you look like) or they can be filled with normal photos, which will be acceptable to the entire site, but will cause less enthusiastic interest.

Another option is to get everyone you know to sign up (think of the referral karma) and vote you a 10. That way you can bask in the knowledge that you have a good starting base to pimp yourself out from, plus if worst comes to the worst, you can clear your votes and force them to all give you tens again.

I feel it only fair to point out that beyond taking these extreme measures there is little that can be done to “better yourself” and increase your ratings average. If these options are not acceptable, learning to ignore your rating and enjoying the other features this site has to offer is the only available alternative.

Thanks for listening.

_______________________________

As you can tell, I’m may have to work on my pimping skills a bit more.
If you’ve managed to get this far, congratulations, you’ve got good staying power. Now if you would be so kind as to scroll all the way back up and give him your votes, I’d be grateful.

This pimp has been brought to you by pimps ‘r’ us. We’ll pimp while you pay.