Not sure why but I’ve got that song floating around my head (in an Irish accent too). Freaky!

I’ve had 65 profile visits in 24 hours - Wheeee!
And my rating’s an 8.8 - of course ratings aren’t important (who am I kidding - yay me!)
And my journal’s been read 183 times - Ooooooo!

Well I picked up my emails this morning. I’m getting really sick of spam. About 8 emails about viagra, 9 about getting my penis enlarged, 4 telling me I too can have bigger breasts, 2 about health insurance, 5 get rich quick schemes, 3 selling me software to copy DVD’s on my CD drive, 4 offering me a credit card or a loan and 1 telling me I can meet singles in my area.

So lets look at these in order shall we?

Viagra: Given that I do not have and have never had (and probably never will have) a sex life, why would I need viagra?

Penis enlargement: What’s the point? Given the above, as long as it’s big enough to go to the toilet with, what does it matter? Besides, if I had even half of the poking, prodding and shoving in tubes and pumps that these emails suggested, it’d probably never be able to move again, even if it ever were needed. (It’s probably to rusted now anyway)

Breasts: Yay! A set of breasts all of my very own? And bigger too? How can I refuse an offer like that? Don’t these mailing places even bother to do something simple like checking the gender of the recipient? What good is having bigger, if you don’t have the equipment in the first place? *rolls eyes in despair*

Health insurance: Do you really think anyone would insure me after I’ve taken all that viagra, had me penis poked, prodded and twisted about, then had my hormone treatment to increase the size of my breasts? Anyway, lets face it, there’s more small print on those things than big print, so take out everything it doesn’t cover, and you could probably manage to get one aspirin per year, but only if the condition was terminal within 6 months of sending in your claim (oh and claims will take up to 9 months to process). I think I’ll pass.

Get Rich: How about Quick Run? The only person who gets rich of these things is the spam company.

DVD’s: Sure good idea in principle, means you can take a copy of your DVD’s so they don’t get damaged. Yeah as if anyone is going to be using it for that. I think I’ll choose not to buy it and not go to prison for copyright infringement.

Cash: Like I’m going to apply for a loan or a credit card from a company that has spammed me, a company I have never heard of who probably has interest rates in triple figures with similar volumes of small print to the insurance companies.

Singles: If I wanted to meet singles, I’d either go out more, or I’d hunt for a dating site. But as I live in England, and the emails I get only cover America and Canada, it’s not really in my area. Trying to use them and go on a date, travel would be a nightmare.
“Wanna go on a date?”
“Sure, but I’ll need 2 months notice to make the travel arrangements.”
“How about the movies, pick me up at 8?”
“Ok I’ll be there in 12 hours. You do mean 8 tomorrow right?

I get about 50 spam emails per day. Up to 100 on some days.

The moral of this tale?

Do not get an email address from bigfoot.com as they obviously sell their members list to spam companies. I set up a few addresses with them about 2 or 3 years ago. Some of them I never used, I didn’t have listed in the members directory. Yet still they get the spam. One of these days I’ll get around to deleting them. One of these days
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Edit:

I’ve just got a couple of diet emails too.

Hmm, given all these physical improvement emails I’m getting… D’ya think someone is trying to give me a subtle hint?

Maybe I should just keep my appointment with the plastic surgeon after all. Any thoughts?